By Elina Furman
For years, it was the men who had the monopoly on commitment-phobia. But what about commitment-phobic women? Yes, women! Raised to believe that men are the commitment-shy gender, many women coast through life completely oblivious about their own commitment anxiety—believing they want a relationship yet systematically pushing away one perfectly suitable candidate after another. Isn’t it high time we looked at ourselves and admit that maybe, just maybe, we are the ones who have become commitment-challenged? If you’re ready to finally face the truth, go down the list of these common symptoms and see if any apply.
I'd say that coasting "through life completely oblivious" is a very accurate description of my relationship patterns over the last few years. Before moving to L.A. I didn't really "want" a serious relationship because I knew I was going to be going away to a University. But even under those circumstances, I've recently noticed myself "systematically pushing away" every guy who has enter into my life. It alarmed me recently when I pushed an important person out of my life for no apparent reason, other than I was scared. I've really been focusing on self-improvement lately and wanted to understand my strange behavior and bad habit. I never really thought it had anything to do with commitment. After reading this article, it makes a lot more sense now.
* Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
I, personally, don't get "bored" easily in any situation. Usually what happens is after the initial "excitement" wears off, I get freaked. I have no idea what to do and I start to act out in strange ways. Usually this behavior leads to the end of a perfectly suitable relationship.
* You have a habit of dating unavailable men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.).
I've never dated a married man, well actually I have, but he was getting a divorce (aren't they all?). I avoid men that are involved in committed relationships because I don't want to be the cause of pain for another women, it's just not my style. I avoid men who are "geographically distant", it's one of the items on my "long and elaborate list of requirements" (see below). But "emotionally distant" men have been my specialty.
* You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
It's so long and hard you'd think it was a euphemism for something else.
* You consider your married friends’ relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled for too little.I actually don't. I know very few people around my age that are actually married. And the one couple that springs to mind, seem to be a great couple and I was honored to be invited to their wedding and they now have a little daughter. I couldn't be happier for them because they seem truly happy. And I think I am being very objective about this.
* You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the expense of romantic relationships.
I may know a lot of people but the number of people I consider "close" friends is relatively small (probably because I am afraid to commit to even friendships that seem to be serious). I never really thought I allowed my friendships to get in the way of my romances (I'm usually pretty good at sabotaging my own romances) but I did notice that I allowed people's opinions to cloud my perception of my most recent relationship.
* You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent.
I am totally guilty of this. I've told myself more than once that "It's easier to date more than one guy at a time because my emotions can be shared amongst multiple men". However, as of late, I am finding it very difficult to date more than one guy at a time because it's energy and time consuming. Not to mention, it's very difficult on my emotions and people can get hurt.
* You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.
Again, I am very guilty of this. I'm still in love with the first guy I ever had a serious relationship/had sex with. I never realized this was a symptom of my fear of commitment.
By now, you probably have a better idea of where you stand on the commitment meter. If you’re now thinking: “Yep, that’s me,” now what? Is there any hope for getting over these issues? The answer to that is a resounding yes! Here’s how:
Accept your uncertainty
One of the biggest mistakes many of you make is thinking that any uncertainty, however slight, is a sign that your relationship is doomed to failure. You think, “If I’m so confused, that must mean something is wrong with my relationship. Shouldn’t I just know if it’s right?” But indecision and anxiety are a very normal part of making a commitment to someone. If you weren’t a little uncertain, then you’d have something to worry about! Face the fact that there’s never going to be a time when you’re 100 percent certain of anything. So if you’re 80 percent sure that the person you’re with will make a good partner, then that’s all the certainty you’re ever going to get.
This is good advice. It makes sense. And I can put it to use right away. Dating advice should always be this logical, clear, and useful.
Just do it
Once you’ve determined whether you’re 80 percent confident, it may be time to take some good-old fashioned action. Be conscious, be circumspect, and be careful, but take the leap. As with any phobia, we often have to face what scares us the most in order to conquer our fears. So it should come as no surprise that one of the best cures for commitment anxiety is just to make a commitment. And if you make a mistake? Well, so be it. After all, one of the ways we learn to trust our instincts is through hindsight. In the end, following the 80 percent rule will help you take calculated risks, not reckless ones.
See above note. I need to trust my instincts and learn from hindsight more.
Avoid the crystal ball
If you’re on the brink of becoming exclusive, cohabiting, or getting married to someone, it’s all too easy to panic and wonder, “But how will I feel one year, five years, or ten years from now?” After all, people change, right? How do you know you will feel exactly the same way five years from now? The answer is: You don’t! No matter how tempting it is to worry about the future of your relationship, you have to accept that there is absolutely no guarantee that things will work out. Worrying about the future is one way to avoid making a decision. No matter how many psychics or astrologers you visit, no one can tell you what to do with your life or what the future holds. In the end, the best thing you can do is focus on the present. Ask yourself: “Am I getting what I want out of the relationship at exactly this moment?” If the answer is yes (or 80 percent yes), rest assured the prognosis is as good as it’s going to get.
This is one of my biggest problems. I preemptively end all romances as soon as I think the future isn't going to be perfect (see my next notice for further info).
Quit nitpicking
Okay, so men can sometimes act like dominating control freaks, but it’s important to note how often we’re guilty of the same offense. Picking fights, acting moody, and making your partner feel like he’s always doing something wrong is a great way to get someone to break up with you. In fact, that’s exactly what many of you do so you can get out of the relationship or avoid commitment. Many of us commitment-phobes have a perfectionist streak that makes us try to control every aspect of the relationship. Unless our partner fits some preconceived mold, we feel we can’t possibly commit to him. Whether it’s his sloppy ways or inability to dress himself, it can be all too tempting to want to change him or control the relationship. Of course, if you’re not ready to commit, no one will ever be good enough for you. So either accept your partner for who he is or leave the relationship altogether.
I am starting to realize that I can be a "dominating control freak" when it comes to romantic relationships. I have an ideal ("preconceived mold") in my head and I do everything possible to make each relationship fit that ideal. I'm notorious for "picking fights, acting moody, and making my partner feel like he's always doing something wrong." and it usually end the relationship. I have "a perfectionist streak", in which I want each relationship to fit. The problem I am noticing with trying to make relationships fit this mold is I am missing out on real life opportunities to experience unique and unscripted situations with great men. I usually avoid trying to change a man and just opt for moving on when it's clear he doesn't match my unrealistic ideal.
Make room
While it’s important to have a full life, many women overdo it. It may be impressive that you have a gazillion friends and unique hobbies, but if you don’t make room in your life for a committed relationship, don’t be surprised if it keeps eluding you. Think of it like this: Once you make room on a table and clear all the stuff away, something new is bound to appear on it. This rule applies to everything. If you’re obsessed with your pet, work 24/7, are absorbed with your children, or are a clutter bug who’s embarrassed to bring people home, you probably don’t have as much time or space for a committed relationship as you think. So if you fit any of these categories, it may just be time to clean up your act and make some physical, emotional, and psychological room in your life.
Another good piece of advice.
My friend put this article on her blog and I thought it was very insightful and had solid advice. It's rare I come across advice that is useful regarding women and dating. I am reposting it with my comments in hopes someone else benefits from it too. Another friend asked me for my opinion on it, so here it is.
Elina Furman is the author of Boomerang Nation and other books. After years of personal experience with commitment phobia, she conquered her own fear and now lives with her boyfriend in New York City.
Excerpt from KISS AND RUN by Elina Furman. Copyright © 2007 by Elina Furman. Reprinted by permission of Fireside, an Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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