Pushing away every guy that gets too close to me

I've had a very long week. I am under an extreme amount of personal stress, I've not been paid in over 3 months, I am dealing with work related injuries, and I am in the middle of finals at what seems to be one of the most difficult universities in the world.

I probably shouldn't be writing a blog of such a personal nature, especially in the emotional state I am in but I really do NOT have that many places to turn right now and NOT that many people read my blog anyways, and of those that do read my blog, very few actually know me in real life (because I prefer it that way).

I've noticed yet another relationship pattern of mine. When I start to really liking a guy, I push him away by acting crazily bizarre, to the point of driving him out of my life.

Retrospectively looking back, I've done this for years. And if I had to guess why, I'd say it probably has something to do with my abandonment issues regarding the men in my life (or that left my life growing up). And at some point they all left my life of their own accord.

I don't talk about my father much but since my school psychologist got me talking about him yesterday, I've been wondering what effect if any his absence has had on me.

And I've come to the realization that, although I do NOT want my father in my life, I missed out on very important social lessons and experiences in his absence. I have no idea how to communicate with men in my life, especially men I have romantic feelings for.

Sure I had a step-father for many years but he wasn't a good role model either, seeing how he was inappropriate with my younger sister and cheated on our mother constantly.

After talking to my psychologist yesterday I also realized that my grandfathers were not apart of my developmental years either. My mother's father is accused of molesting our cousin.

I've come to expect that men I care about will leave me. And well when they do not, I don't know how to handle myself. So I act out in irrational ways causing great confusion for them, no doubt. And either one of two things happens, they leave or I leave.

They usually leave, if I express my true feelings for them. And I usually leave if, they express their true feelings for me. It's a fucked up paradox but it's my paradox, for better or worse. The only thing is it's worse not better.

And the only way it's going to get better is if I make the effort to consciously change my behavior. But behavior modification is really difficult. I am not using that as excuse, just making an observation.

I want to change and I want to be a better person and I want to stop pushing people out of my life.

I wish there was The Mystery Method bootcamp or some other program to help with these sorts of issues. I respect any pick-up artist that honestly takes steps to improve his life because it's no easy task. And it's probably the hardest thing someone can do.

I am sure I'll pull through this (like I always do). I just wish I didn't hurt so many people in the process, including myself.