Why is it so difficult to be honest with the opposite sex?

I started using eHarmony (eH) and I'm having to reject a lot of the men because they just aren't presenting themselves in away that attracts me or makes me feel comfortable. I usually have no idea what to say to a guy when I'm just not attracted to him or comfortable continuing to get to know him. I feel sorry for them but I can't get to know them all and help them with their "innergame" issues.

Here's an email I sent a guy, just trying to point out some of the major issues I saw from him in just 3 emails we had together.


I really appreciate your kind words and compliments. It makes what I want to express even more difficult.

I understand your personal struggles with meeting women and with your own confidence levels. I'd be willing to give you some feedback that may help you, if you're interested.

I've been trying to work on my communication skills and I'm struggling to bring this up in a respectful way.

"but I'm glad you opened communication. I wasn't sure if you were going to."

I'm not sure if you're aware of how insecure that sounds to a woman.

"But I'm told truth is always best. If you fish with the truth, you're liable to catch something true."

I agree and feel being honest with you is very important, since most women would not take the time to tell you these kinds of things.

"When I get home, I sleep, watch my cats run around the apartment (very entertaining), listen to music, do some writing/prep work for potential side projects as I can."

This conveys that you have little or no social life and that beautiful women are not a part of your life. Beautiful women often look for signs that a man has other beautiful women in his life.

The pickup artists call this social proof. It's a way for women to quickly (and usually subconsciously) determine if a guy is 'dateble'. If other women find a guy attractive, it means that the guy has been prescreened and approved by other beautiful women.

If a man is rejected by women or doesn't have any women in his life, other women stay away as much as possible because they feel that the woman doing the rejecting probably has good reason to reject him. It saves women the hassle of getting to know each man thoroughly.

Beautiful women are approached by men constantly. (I have 114 matches with 40 them in communication. imagine if I took this much time with all of them..I'd never get anything else done) No one has the kind of time it takes to get to know all of them. So she has to make decisions quickly. Usually it doesn't work out for the man.

"The trouble I have is it really brings up all this pain for me to even hear that advice. It's involuntary pain and self-attacking which gets really unbearable when someone tries to help me with pointers and facts about what women want, respond to, etc. I know it's irrational pain, and intellectually I resist it, but it just feels so awful."

I hope this isn't painful for you but think about how much pain your causing women with your uncomfortablenesses. This is really awkward for a woman to read about a man she doesn't know.

If a man makes a woman feel uncomfortable, she will most likely avoid him. I can tell you that the way you presented yourself within these communications to me is something most women would feel uncomfortable with. There's a sense of desperation "Girl I dream about" and lack of any sense that you're used to being around a woman that is "very sensual".

"Anyway, so instead I've been just working on understanding what's going on inside me, what happened in the past and whatnot."

I wish you luck with this. It's one of the hardest things to do but I think it will benefit you greatly. But don't convey this to any women you're just getting to know. Women have a bad habit of making up stories about men quickly based off of very little info. She has to, to save time and to remain comfortable.

I want to be open and up front about this, so you don't feel led on. I'm use to dating a man who is comfortable with himself around women and understand social dynamics.

Women are very social beings and value themselves and other women off of the relationships they have. The last thing most women want to have in a boyfriend (their most important relationship) is someone who is insecure and socially unaware of the way they present themselves.

I don't want to say much more than that right now, because I really don't want to disrespect you. I just want to point out that a lot of the problems you're having with women most likely stem from the way you present yourself to women.

I don't think we're compatible. I'm still willing to discuss these things with you, if you think it will help. I just need to be up front and let you know, I don't see us as a couple.

I hope this doesn't come off overly pretentious. I happen to know a lot about male and female dynamics and I can usually see a guy's main issues quickly.

I wish you the best of luck and understand if you no longer want to discuss these things with me. I understand how painful it can be and I hope you get to the point where you can be comfortable with yourself and learn to make women feel comfortable around you.

Best wishes,