Did you just see the cat fight outside my window?

No, this isn't a cheesy PUA line. There was literally a cat (or some other nonhuman creature) fight happening right outside my bedroom window. At first it sounded like a baby in a blender, then two distinct creatures could be heard, there may have been several creatures involved (including the household cat).

And they went at it. They were so loud that my roommates could hear them through my bedroom wall, with my bedroom door closed, through a hallway door closed, and the television on. It was the snarliest sound I've ever heard live (unrecorded). After a moment or two of this ruckus I rush to the window (so, I don't look completely lazy when my roommates ask me what happened).

At that point, I realized that our cat may be outside. So I yank the blinds up, throw the window open, and try to see through the screen, but I couldn't see anything outside. So by this time, I think I scared the creatures off and I hear my roommates getting aroused by the ruckus.

I go out in the backyard to find my landlord calling the cat in. He won't come in. He's playing hard to get. I rush back inside and grab a plate and a fork and begin tapping the fork onto the plate as I call for the kitty. "Matese...Matese...Metese, if you come inside right now you'll get extra treats."

That didn't work. I gave up and decided to take a break from studying to begin this blog and then I was interrupted by a text message.

And I had a very interesting conversation with a congruent, confident, wise man. Some how we ending up talking about my therapy. The thing I'm working on right now with my therapist is the ability to deal with my emotions and go to place (internally) that I don't really want to go. So in PUA talk, my therapist is helping me work on my "inner game". It's some heavy shit.

But it's very helpful. She really does push me to think about things that I've never stopped to consider. And she doesn't let me bullshit my way out of anything. She asks tough questions and we had several breakthroughs in the last few weeks. It's been great. I look forward to this journey I'm on.

Not only do I work on self-improvement stuff with her, I've made it a priority in my life right now. Practically everything I do can be related to improving myself, my life, my education, or my happiness.

Something that really makes me happy, is to help people. I love it. I go out of my way to help people. Not all the time, and not always to everyone. But I consider myself a kind and caring person and I've worked hard to surround myself with amazing people, so when I have an opportunity to help, I try. Especially regarding, personal issues.

A lot of my friends have told me that I'm very non-judgmental. Especially my female friends. They usually come to me with their craziest escapades or saddest relationship problems. And I listen and I give advice as I see fit. And I do my best to make them feel better.

I always find it odd when they ask me about relationship things. I realized that I've dated a lot of men and have had very liberal sexual experiences but I don't consider myself a dating expert and a relationship coach.

Although I think it would be really fun to learn how to be a dating coach or a relationship expert, I'm not qualified to counsel anyone about anything. I love learning and being taught. Especially in personal relationships. Some of my best friends are my best teachers. I've learned so much from people around me.

It's no wonder I like to fantasize about the teacher-student roles. Ha. I probably should write much more about this so I'll change the radio station.

I realized that I hold a lot of emotions in, and I'm starting to see how dangerous it has been to me both physically and emotionally. My emotions feel foreign to me. I don't even know what to call them or how to label them. They're all a mess and it feels overwhelming.

Holding these emotions in, not knowing how to deal with stress, and being unable to relax have taken a toll on my body. I have physical problems with my body because of cognitive and emotional issues. The best advice I can give anyone right now is, don't hold your emotions in.

If you're under a lot of stress and dealing with emotional responsibilities the best thing to do is to deal with them or talk about them. If you don't, you could end up hurting yourself. And you can't take care of all your responsibilities if you're hurt, burnt out, or worse.

It's amazing how much of the PUA stuff can be applied to other aspects of ones life. Although, that's one reason why I like the PUA stuff, because it's multidisciplinary. I actually applied to UC Berkeley to get an interdisciplinary degree in English, Rhetoric, and History and I was going to call my customized emphasis "Critical Thinking".

Ha...I actually put something like that on my application. It's no wonder that was the only school I applied to that didn't admit me. Oh well, such is it. I really wanted to go to Berkeley because their interdisciplinary degree department was very well organized and student friendly.

My school, that I'm currently attending, has a similar but much less facilitated and more limiting program to create ones own degree path.

I abandoned the idea of customizing my degree and decided that all liberal arts degrees are about critical thinking. And an English degree is probably the best degree for me to get. Until I took a Communication Studies class and really want to change my major (again) but then I was strongly advice not to pursue such a path because I didn't have enough time to complete all the requirements.

And beside, I'm taking a bunch of classes that I want, so it really doesn't matter. Speaking of which, I love my classes this quarter. My English teacher this quarter already seem much more capable of teaching student than my last teacher was. The professor last quarter was very bright, and young, and fashionable but his lectures always felt just out of reach for me.

And this quarter's professor seem to be more interested in making his lectures more accessible to the students. He seems to care about at least presenting the information in a comprehendable way. I sat through every lecture but one (because I locked my keys in my car) last quarter and couldn't really tell you exactly what the professor's main point were and I sure in hell could tell you what I was supposed to learn.

Now, it's much more easier. I know exactly what the teacher is talking about. And even though his much older, not fashionable at all, and has a sharp wit about him, he can teach me. and that's all that matter. And besides my T.A. is young, slightly fashionable, and eager to teach.

I'm a good girl just waiting to learn.

[I'm going to end on that point; some what edited]

It's been a long day and an even longer week

I don't want to dwell on the negative so I won't. So I'll dwell on the positive. Although, today has been a long day, it's been a productive day. I got a lot of things done.

I got up early to to proof read my Communications studies project one more time before going to school early enough to get it printed before class. I proof read and edited my paper again. Made some adjustments and had a lovely bus ride to school.

The computer lab was open and I started to print my project section by section, title page, project, reference page, appendix content sheet, and the 5 parts to the appendix. By the time I was done printing it, I had probably about 40 pages to turn in. I had to staple it into two sections, my 18 pages that I created and the 20 odd pages to the appendix.

I was happy. I felt like I really accomplished something. It wasn't perfect but it was clean and crisp. I felt like I met the assignment requirements well. I'd been working on this for weeks, when I know some students started their paper last night. It felt exciting. Like I gave it everything I could, time, energy, effort, dedication, persistence, and I was proud.

My teacher said no one ever asked him to the do this subject before. I have been working with him for the last 10 weeks to make sure I was doing it properly and even though I think he'll find areas for improvement. I feel like I met most of his requirements.

Every time I've met him he's given me feedback and helped me sculpt this into a better project. He kept me focused and guided me well through the project. He pushed me and challenged me to do something, I've never done before and it felt great.

I've never done anything like this before. I've known for years that I've been interested in social sciences and scientific research into social and gender dynamics. Especially in regards to dating and sex.

I saw that movie Kinsey with the guy I was dating at the time and I was fascinated by it. I think that would be a cool job to have, sex scientist. And that movie was so well written. I loved the way the story devises were used. The question section adding to the narrative. The interweaving of the two parts. I remember just loving the writing and the editing and the acting. It was great.

But I've always (or at least for many years) been interested into television shows that discussed the science of love, sex, and/or dating. Even if they are reality based and that aren't necessarily written creatively but definitely well and some what witty at times.

I've never really been that great at sciences like biology, or chemistry, or the such. In fact, the sciences that I have taken in college have been either the physical sciences (geology, anthropology, etc) and social sciences (psychology, etc). I really like the social sciences, especially this communication studies class.

I sorta wish I could be a communication studies major, but I can't it's too late. It's an impacted major and I'd don't have enough time to go back and take all of the requirements and graduate in the amount of time they require me to. I wish I did. And I wish they weren't so eager to push me through to graduation.

I really like school and I love being there on campus learning. I sorta wish I could be a student forever. I just love being around the thriving learning environment. It's has a strong vibe to it.

My professor told me some of the research he's working on and it all sounds so interesting. Studying imagination and trying to prove the current theory wrong or proving your own theory. There's all kinds of research available, it's just too bad I am an English major.

I guess there's nothing stopping me from being an English major and assisting in other departmental research or outside classroom learning. But it's time consuming to be a full time student.

I was away from home for 12 hours today. And most of that time was spend doing something that had to do with the classes I am currently taking.

After I turned in my Communication Studies project, I went to edit and print another paper that was do 2 hours after I had turned in my commstu project. But my second paper was an English paper. It's funny, how difficult I find my own major.

I've also been working on this English paper for several weeks. I'm not as proud of that paper, so I am not going to post it. The topic I choose was Faustus. And I struggled to come up with a thesis. I came up with great ideas and interesting observations about the text but I struggled immensely with formulating a proper thesis for the things I was observing.

I saw my T.A. 5 times about the paper in the last two weeks. I probably emailed him more than twice that many times. I also saw my teacher twice and probably emailed him about the same amount of times that I emailed my T.A. I am sure both of them were happy that the papers were do today. It meant they wouldn't be hearing from me about the satirical parallels in Dr. Faustus by Christopher Marlowe.

So I turned in the paper at 1pm and sat through a lecture about Books 11 & 12 in Paradise Lost. Before grabbing my first real bite to eat all day and checking my voicemail to find out that one of my girlfriends was dumped last night. So I spent part of my lunch trying to help her feel better.

Today must have been a female energized day because I got about half a dozen calls from females in my life today.

My girlfriend that lives in L.A. was calling to give the weekly run down of weekend happenings. While updating me on her love life and most recent exploits.

My mom called to confirm my flight information, since I text message her this morning "Oh Shit, I just realized I have a final Friday 2-23 in the morning, I can't fly out until Saturday."

Then I spent an hour in a very haphazard discussion section that was supposed to help us with the preparing for the final. My T.A. is a nice guy (and I hate to use that word) but he's pretty clueless when it comes to actually facilitating the learning process. And I have no doubt that he needs to learn some of this PUA stuff.

And after that I studied in the library for 4 hours for my English final that is on Monday....

And while I was studying I got another call each from my girlfriends and mom. On the way home, I called my friend from the Bay Area who just got dumped last night and spent a good 2 hours on the phone with her, while I was getting home on the bus (which takes about 40 minutes to do).

I really tried to help her. I tried to give her advice and techniques for dealing with this. She said she felt better and she seemed a lot less emotionally upset and she had a good outlook by the time we were done. which makes me feel good.

By the time I was done talking to her I was exhausted. And my L.A. girlfriend called. We both decided to stay in tonight, thankfully. It's a good end to a long day.

This week has been pretty long but I've also gotten a lot of things done. Like yesterday, I got my medical marijuana prescription/card. So now, I am set...I don't have to deal with hassling to find medicine anymore.

It was sorta time consuming to go out to Hollywood to see the doctor and I was in the office for 2 hours but at least it gave me a break from my papers. Plus, it could have been a lot worse. I was on my medication when I showed up and it was really funny to read the disclaimer that they have you sign. The funniest parts were when the form was describing some of the side effects of the medication.

Euphoria....hahahahaha. Talkativeness, loss of conceptual time, short term memory loss, lack of concentration, etc. The list was hilarious. I asked for a copy but they refused.

It was completely different than the first experience I had with a friend in Northern California. She asked me to go with her to renew her prescription and it had to be the strangest thing I've ever experienced.

First it wasn't in a doctor's office, it was in some Jamaican woman's apartment in Berkeley but it was more like Oakland. There were people just laying around freshly baked. She had banana bread that just melted me my chair.

We had to wait a long time, and she kept saying that the Doctor would be up in just a little while. And the whole time I'm expecting a doctor to walk through the door. Then she finally says that the Doctor is in New FUCKIN' Zealand and a goat on his farm just ate through his internet cable and he had to run to the store in town to buy a new cable so that he could teleconference via video internet.

Eventually my girlfriend went into a bedroom turned into an office and spoke to the Doctor, who was in New FUCKIN' Zealand and she got her prescription from the doctor, while I was smoking the fastest Jay I'd ever smoked with the others who were waiting in the living room.

It was the trippiest thing ever.

But it was cool, she got her script and I was happy from the banana bread and free bud they were sharing with me. I'd say sharing is caring and a friend with weed is a friend indeed.

This time I just sat in a plain office, there wasn't any banana bread or jays, just a bunch of folks waiting to see the doctor.

Medical marijuana doctors have it made. That doctor works 4 days a week for 5 hours a day (20 hours total) and brings in mad cash and has time to be with his family. And the doctor in New Zealand has it made too. Shit, If I could live in New Zealand on a farm with a goat to eat wires, It would be cool.

It was a good break, since before that I was having a heavy session with my psychologist. She's tough on me. And she really gave me so good advice and basically didn't go easy on me at all. Which was something I really needed. Tough love. I like working with her. She's really done a lot for me.

I also heard from my brother yesterday and he's doing well with the Style 505 thing. He says so far all the challenges have been self-improvement stuff and he wishes it had to do with meeting girls. But I told him that, I like all the self-improvement stuff. He told me about all the challenges.

He said the first one dealt with approach anxiety. He says he doesn't really deal with AA that much and I believe him. He doesn't have a problem going up to strangers and just talking to them.

I remember one time we were out and someone stop to give him a bible and he got into a discussion with the person and kept just asking really engaging questions. We've always been really social. I think I've become less social though over the years. I definitely seem to go through my day with my defenses (bitch shield) up a lot more. I am trying to break from that and still be social without being bothered by random men bugging me. It's hard though. Cuz I hate being bugged but at the same time I like being social.

I also signed up for my class reunion mailing list and saw Jealous Jason was already on it. I am sorta surprised because he always acting like he would NOT be interested in going to the class reunion.

It was cool to see updated pictures of him. He still looks the same, or at least I can still see the guy I used to love in his face. And he's making feature-length films from where he lives in the Bay Area, so that's cool. He always said he didn't want to move to L.A. to be a film director. And it looks like he's doing it now.

It would be interesting to see him again and caught up. I know he as a kid and I think he's married. I doubt his wife would want him to see me though. She's started dating him right after we broke up (he could never stand to be out of a relationship for very long) and they were pregnant within a few years. And I am sure they got married.

It was weird, she was a lesbian when he met her, or at least dating a girl. Oh well. I always just thought that he would have double the jealousy issues with her.

It was strange. He dumped me because he said I was selfish. And I realized I was being selfish because I had given him so much and wasn't getting the same in return. I wanted to pursue business opportunities for the business we had started together and he didn't want me to advance in the direction I was going.

At the time, I remember thinking that I'd be able to find another guy to fall in love with easily. Boy was I wrong. If I had known at the time that love was so difficult, I may have handled it differently. But because our love seemed so easy and because I was so naive, I had no idea how difficult dating could be.

I'm glad we separated because we were having communication problems and being single for the last 5 years has really given me opportunities to develop myself, independently and probably more thoroughly then I could have done in a relationship with him.

I am getting tired....This blog is going to have to continue when I have more time and when I am not exhausted. And it will also remain unedited until I can get around to finishing it up.

I am a radio of different sorts tonight.

(partially edited)

Pushing away every guy that gets too close to me

I've had a very long week. I am under an extreme amount of personal stress, I've not been paid in over 3 months, I am dealing with work related injuries, and I am in the middle of finals at what seems to be one of the most difficult universities in the world.

I probably shouldn't be writing a blog of such a personal nature, especially in the emotional state I am in but I really do NOT have that many places to turn right now and NOT that many people read my blog anyways, and of those that do read my blog, very few actually know me in real life (because I prefer it that way).

I've noticed yet another relationship pattern of mine. When I start to really liking a guy, I push him away by acting crazily bizarre, to the point of driving him out of my life.

Retrospectively looking back, I've done this for years. And if I had to guess why, I'd say it probably has something to do with my abandonment issues regarding the men in my life (or that left my life growing up). And at some point they all left my life of their own accord.

I don't talk about my father much but since my school psychologist got me talking about him yesterday, I've been wondering what effect if any his absence has had on me.

And I've come to the realization that, although I do NOT want my father in my life, I missed out on very important social lessons and experiences in his absence. I have no idea how to communicate with men in my life, especially men I have romantic feelings for.

Sure I had a step-father for many years but he wasn't a good role model either, seeing how he was inappropriate with my younger sister and cheated on our mother constantly.

After talking to my psychologist yesterday I also realized that my grandfathers were not apart of my developmental years either. My mother's father is accused of molesting our cousin.

I've come to expect that men I care about will leave me. And well when they do not, I don't know how to handle myself. So I act out in irrational ways causing great confusion for them, no doubt. And either one of two things happens, they leave or I leave.

They usually leave, if I express my true feelings for them. And I usually leave if, they express their true feelings for me. It's a fucked up paradox but it's my paradox, for better or worse. The only thing is it's worse not better.

And the only way it's going to get better is if I make the effort to consciously change my behavior. But behavior modification is really difficult. I am not using that as excuse, just making an observation.

I want to change and I want to be a better person and I want to stop pushing people out of my life.

I wish there was The Mystery Method bootcamp or some other program to help with these sorts of issues. I respect any pick-up artist that honestly takes steps to improve his life because it's no easy task. And it's probably the hardest thing someone can do.

I am sure I'll pull through this (like I always do). I just wish I didn't hurt so many people in the process, including myself.