Did you just see the cat fight outside my window?

No, this isn't a cheesy PUA line. There was literally a cat (or some other nonhuman creature) fight happening right outside my bedroom window. At first it sounded like a baby in a blender, then two distinct creatures could be heard, there may have been several creatures involved (including the household cat).

And they went at it. They were so loud that my roommates could hear them through my bedroom wall, with my bedroom door closed, through a hallway door closed, and the television on. It was the snarliest sound I've ever heard live (unrecorded). After a moment or two of this ruckus I rush to the window (so, I don't look completely lazy when my roommates ask me what happened).

At that point, I realized that our cat may be outside. So I yank the blinds up, throw the window open, and try to see through the screen, but I couldn't see anything outside. So by this time, I think I scared the creatures off and I hear my roommates getting aroused by the ruckus.

I go out in the backyard to find my landlord calling the cat in. He won't come in. He's playing hard to get. I rush back inside and grab a plate and a fork and begin tapping the fork onto the plate as I call for the kitty. "Matese...Matese...Metese, if you come inside right now you'll get extra treats."

That didn't work. I gave up and decided to take a break from studying to begin this blog and then I was interrupted by a text message.

And I had a very interesting conversation with a congruent, confident, wise man. Some how we ending up talking about my therapy. The thing I'm working on right now with my therapist is the ability to deal with my emotions and go to place (internally) that I don't really want to go. So in PUA talk, my therapist is helping me work on my "inner game". It's some heavy shit.

But it's very helpful. She really does push me to think about things that I've never stopped to consider. And she doesn't let me bullshit my way out of anything. She asks tough questions and we had several breakthroughs in the last few weeks. It's been great. I look forward to this journey I'm on.

Not only do I work on self-improvement stuff with her, I've made it a priority in my life right now. Practically everything I do can be related to improving myself, my life, my education, or my happiness.

Something that really makes me happy, is to help people. I love it. I go out of my way to help people. Not all the time, and not always to everyone. But I consider myself a kind and caring person and I've worked hard to surround myself with amazing people, so when I have an opportunity to help, I try. Especially regarding, personal issues.

A lot of my friends have told me that I'm very non-judgmental. Especially my female friends. They usually come to me with their craziest escapades or saddest relationship problems. And I listen and I give advice as I see fit. And I do my best to make them feel better.

I always find it odd when they ask me about relationship things. I realized that I've dated a lot of men and have had very liberal sexual experiences but I don't consider myself a dating expert and a relationship coach.

Although I think it would be really fun to learn how to be a dating coach or a relationship expert, I'm not qualified to counsel anyone about anything. I love learning and being taught. Especially in personal relationships. Some of my best friends are my best teachers. I've learned so much from people around me.

It's no wonder I like to fantasize about the teacher-student roles. Ha. I probably should write much more about this so I'll change the radio station.

I realized that I hold a lot of emotions in, and I'm starting to see how dangerous it has been to me both physically and emotionally. My emotions feel foreign to me. I don't even know what to call them or how to label them. They're all a mess and it feels overwhelming.

Holding these emotions in, not knowing how to deal with stress, and being unable to relax have taken a toll on my body. I have physical problems with my body because of cognitive and emotional issues. The best advice I can give anyone right now is, don't hold your emotions in.

If you're under a lot of stress and dealing with emotional responsibilities the best thing to do is to deal with them or talk about them. If you don't, you could end up hurting yourself. And you can't take care of all your responsibilities if you're hurt, burnt out, or worse.

It's amazing how much of the PUA stuff can be applied to other aspects of ones life. Although, that's one reason why I like the PUA stuff, because it's multidisciplinary. I actually applied to UC Berkeley to get an interdisciplinary degree in English, Rhetoric, and History and I was going to call my customized emphasis "Critical Thinking".

Ha...I actually put something like that on my application. It's no wonder that was the only school I applied to that didn't admit me. Oh well, such is it. I really wanted to go to Berkeley because their interdisciplinary degree department was very well organized and student friendly.

My school, that I'm currently attending, has a similar but much less facilitated and more limiting program to create ones own degree path.

I abandoned the idea of customizing my degree and decided that all liberal arts degrees are about critical thinking. And an English degree is probably the best degree for me to get. Until I took a Communication Studies class and really want to change my major (again) but then I was strongly advice not to pursue such a path because I didn't have enough time to complete all the requirements.

And beside, I'm taking a bunch of classes that I want, so it really doesn't matter. Speaking of which, I love my classes this quarter. My English teacher this quarter already seem much more capable of teaching student than my last teacher was. The professor last quarter was very bright, and young, and fashionable but his lectures always felt just out of reach for me.

And this quarter's professor seem to be more interested in making his lectures more accessible to the students. He seems to care about at least presenting the information in a comprehendable way. I sat through every lecture but one (because I locked my keys in my car) last quarter and couldn't really tell you exactly what the professor's main point were and I sure in hell could tell you what I was supposed to learn.

Now, it's much more easier. I know exactly what the teacher is talking about. And even though his much older, not fashionable at all, and has a sharp wit about him, he can teach me. and that's all that matter. And besides my T.A. is young, slightly fashionable, and eager to teach.

I'm a good girl just waiting to learn.

[I'm going to end on that point; some what edited]

I feel awful

I hurt someone I really care about and broke his trust more than once. I'm not proud of what I've done or happy where it's gotten me. I know I should think positive (and I will) but at the same time I just need to deal with what I've done. And I've done something awful so I am dealing with the effects of that and it makes me feel awful.


I want to be a person of my word and I want to help and I want to do things I am proud of and that people can be proud of me for doing. I want to be strong and happy and in love.

This song makes me happy:

Artist: Cary Brothers Lyrics
Song: Blue Eyes Lyrics

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes

All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

Pushing away every guy that gets too close to me

I've had a very long week. I am under an extreme amount of personal stress, I've not been paid in over 3 months, I am dealing with work related injuries, and I am in the middle of finals at what seems to be one of the most difficult universities in the world.

I probably shouldn't be writing a blog of such a personal nature, especially in the emotional state I am in but I really do NOT have that many places to turn right now and NOT that many people read my blog anyways, and of those that do read my blog, very few actually know me in real life (because I prefer it that way).

I've noticed yet another relationship pattern of mine. When I start to really liking a guy, I push him away by acting crazily bizarre, to the point of driving him out of my life.

Retrospectively looking back, I've done this for years. And if I had to guess why, I'd say it probably has something to do with my abandonment issues regarding the men in my life (or that left my life growing up). And at some point they all left my life of their own accord.

I don't talk about my father much but since my school psychologist got me talking about him yesterday, I've been wondering what effect if any his absence has had on me.

And I've come to the realization that, although I do NOT want my father in my life, I missed out on very important social lessons and experiences in his absence. I have no idea how to communicate with men in my life, especially men I have romantic feelings for.

Sure I had a step-father for many years but he wasn't a good role model either, seeing how he was inappropriate with my younger sister and cheated on our mother constantly.

After talking to my psychologist yesterday I also realized that my grandfathers were not apart of my developmental years either. My mother's father is accused of molesting our cousin.

I've come to expect that men I care about will leave me. And well when they do not, I don't know how to handle myself. So I act out in irrational ways causing great confusion for them, no doubt. And either one of two things happens, they leave or I leave.

They usually leave, if I express my true feelings for them. And I usually leave if, they express their true feelings for me. It's a fucked up paradox but it's my paradox, for better or worse. The only thing is it's worse not better.

And the only way it's going to get better is if I make the effort to consciously change my behavior. But behavior modification is really difficult. I am not using that as excuse, just making an observation.

I want to change and I want to be a better person and I want to stop pushing people out of my life.

I wish there was The Mystery Method bootcamp or some other program to help with these sorts of issues. I respect any pick-up artist that honestly takes steps to improve his life because it's no easy task. And it's probably the hardest thing someone can do.

I am sure I'll pull through this (like I always do). I just wish I didn't hurt so many people in the process, including myself.