Pushing away every guy that gets too close to me

I've had a very long week. I am under an extreme amount of personal stress, I've not been paid in over 3 months, I am dealing with work related injuries, and I am in the middle of finals at what seems to be one of the most difficult universities in the world.

I probably shouldn't be writing a blog of such a personal nature, especially in the emotional state I am in but I really do NOT have that many places to turn right now and NOT that many people read my blog anyways, and of those that do read my blog, very few actually know me in real life (because I prefer it that way).

I've noticed yet another relationship pattern of mine. When I start to really liking a guy, I push him away by acting crazily bizarre, to the point of driving him out of my life.

Retrospectively looking back, I've done this for years. And if I had to guess why, I'd say it probably has something to do with my abandonment issues regarding the men in my life (or that left my life growing up). And at some point they all left my life of their own accord.

I don't talk about my father much but since my school psychologist got me talking about him yesterday, I've been wondering what effect if any his absence has had on me.

And I've come to the realization that, although I do NOT want my father in my life, I missed out on very important social lessons and experiences in his absence. I have no idea how to communicate with men in my life, especially men I have romantic feelings for.

Sure I had a step-father for many years but he wasn't a good role model either, seeing how he was inappropriate with my younger sister and cheated on our mother constantly.

After talking to my psychologist yesterday I also realized that my grandfathers were not apart of my developmental years either. My mother's father is accused of molesting our cousin.

I've come to expect that men I care about will leave me. And well when they do not, I don't know how to handle myself. So I act out in irrational ways causing great confusion for them, no doubt. And either one of two things happens, they leave or I leave.

They usually leave, if I express my true feelings for them. And I usually leave if, they express their true feelings for me. It's a fucked up paradox but it's my paradox, for better or worse. The only thing is it's worse not better.

And the only way it's going to get better is if I make the effort to consciously change my behavior. But behavior modification is really difficult. I am not using that as excuse, just making an observation.

I want to change and I want to be a better person and I want to stop pushing people out of my life.

I wish there was The Mystery Method bootcamp or some other program to help with these sorts of issues. I respect any pick-up artist that honestly takes steps to improve his life because it's no easy task. And it's probably the hardest thing someone can do.

I am sure I'll pull through this (like I always do). I just wish I didn't hurt so many people in the process, including myself.

Why I do NOT hate Valentine's Day

I am a hopeless romantic. And not just in the sense of candle-lit dinners and flowers but also in the sense that I am idealist. If you've read my blog you've seen me write that before. And if you continue to read my blog, you will most likely continue to see me write that again (I am sure of it).

I've been single (without a serious boyfriend) for over 5 years now. In fact, I've only had one serious boyfriend in my entire life. Our relationship lasted for 4 years and it was wonderful (for the most part). We were friends before we became official. And our friendship blossomed because of Valentine's Day 10 years ago.

We met senior year in high school in a psychology class. He had a girlfriend when I first met him. I distinctly remember our first "real" conversation. We were doing a trust exercise and he, his best friend, and I sat in the same group. The groups were divided into levels of trust in other people. (we didn't trust people very much). Because he had a girlfriend I didn't pursue him past that point. Even though I thought he was incredibly cute. Until he broke up with his girlfriend (which was messy).

Our psychology teacher proposed a Valentine's Day gift exchange. And if you know me, you know that I love to give (and receive) gifts. I've never had much money, so I pride myself on giving thoughtful and creative gifts.

So the gift exchange went like this, anyone who wanted to participate could...and of course anyone who didn't want to participate didn't have to. There were maybe 8 guys in a class of at least 30. So when the teacher was handing out names he separated the guys names from the girls names and asked who wanted to draw guys' names. Of course being as boy crazy as I was (and still am) I wanted to get a gift for a guy in class. So I drew my Valentine's Day gift exchange name and it was....

some other cool guy in class.

That was fine. Not a big deal. As the teacher is making his way around the room, the girl behind me asks if I want to change names. I said "Who do you have?" She showed me and without hesitation I took the little piece of paper with his name on it. We'll call him Jealous Jason (because I found out later in the relationship he had troubles with the green-eyed monster). I was so excited. I couldn't hardly wait.

So at this point I knew very little about him but I knew he liked Nine Inch Nails and Tori Amos. I had no idea who Tori Amos was at the time, so I went in search of some of her stuff. Even the workers at the music stores didn't know who she was (remember this was 10 years ago). I eventually got this really morbid poster of her naked and dirty with a pig on her lap; she was in a rocking chair on a front porch. And I also ended up taking a foam disk and putting 9 one-inch nails in it. The nails were placed in the shape of the letters N I N. At the time I thought it was clever and thoughtful. Looking back it was probably pretty lame.

I wrote him a card and put my # in it. He seemed to like the effort I put into the gift and that started our friendship. We ended up going to prom together and he asked me to be his girlfriend that summer, just before I was to start community college and he was to start film school. I admired his ambition to do something so creative. At the time, I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life or education. And I remember thinking it takes balls to do something none practical...I was even more naive back then than I am now.

I tried to do something special for him every Valentine's Day because I loved him and it was just nostalgic. And on the last Valentine's Day we spent together I did "The 14 days of Valentine's" it was a count down to Valentine's Day and I made a little poem/song that was much like the 12 days of Christmas but with a Valentine's Day theme. On each day I gave him gifts that corresponded to the poem. So 14 hearts, and 13 something or others, and so on and so forth....I can't remember what the poem said or what I actually ended up giving him but they were all cute little V-Day gifts. It was fun to be so creative.

Well, anyhoo enough about the past. I love Valentine's Day for what it has meant to me and what it means to me now and in the future. I do not care if I am single, or if I am casually dating others, or in a (serious) relationship. It's just a day to have fun. And it reminds me of "love" and since I am a romantic anything that reminds me of the possibility of being in love really makes me happy.

Seeing all the red hearts and pink kisses or romantic flowers is great. The consumerism of the holiday does NOT bother me at all. The lovey-dovey stuff doesn't make me sick. And I love the chocolate. Besides it's a day I can dress all in pink (and I look great in pink).

I love Valentine's Day for what it could be...fun and loving and expressions of feelings.